Family Sandwich*

"I'll love you, dear, I'll love you till China and Africa meet and the river jumps over the mountain and the salmon sing in the street."

-W.H. Auden

There has been a lot of clamoring for some really easy recipes that can be assembled and on the table within an hour. There has also been some clamoring for me to actually update the site. Both of these seem like pretty reasonable expectations or requests. So let me help.

This is one of my favorite comfort foods. It has been in the family for years, and gets trotted out any chance where we need something delicious that's almost too easy to make. Some would call it a tuna salmon melt, some would call it an abomination. But I call it "love". I've tweaked the recipe a little for my tastes, but it's a simple go-to that I really enjoy.

Let me elaborate on the Legend of Family Sandwich.

*Update: it has come to my attention that because I modified and tweaked the original recipe (seen below) to my tastes, this isn't quite the family recipe. So please keep that in mind as you read.

I'm sure there's some long, drawn out, elaborate explanation on the family sandwich. I've heard a few stories, but what it comes down to is that this thing has satiated my family since the stone age. 

No, really. Look at the recipe card for this thing. It may predate civilization.

It's a mixture of salmon, cheese, onions, celery, some binders, and whatever else you can get your hands on. It's delicious, filling, and damn near the easiest thing you could make. So for those of you who have wondered if I could possibly do something easier, this is your chance. If this is too hard for you, I recommend starting with how to pour milk on cereal, or boil water for ramen.

But I believe in you! This isn't tough. We'll do a little chopping, a little mixing, some smearing, and some baking. I think you can handle that without setting yourself on fire.

Again? AGAIN?!

As you saw above, the ingredient list is pretty simple. I've tweaked it a little from the original, and I've doubled it, so bear with me on my normal list. The good news is that you won't have some god-awful, exhaustive shopping list this time. You're going to need:

This is a pretty cheap grocery cart.

• Bread product (loaf of french bread, bagels, etc. I like bagels.)
• 3+ stalks of celery
• 1 red onion
• 2 cans of salmon
• 2 cups of cheddar cheese
• 2 egg yolks
• Mayo to bind
• Butter
• Garlic powder
• Seasoning (cayenne, salt, pepper, garlic powder)

See? A much shorter list. You should already be thanking me! To give you the basic rundown (for a second time), we're going to chop, mix, smear, and bake. This isn't rocket science. The first thing you're going to want to is preheat the oven to 425. I know, the card says 450, but I keep burning my bread. Deal with it. 400 might not be bad, either. Your mileage may vary.

Next, get out your canned salmon. Which is the weirdest crap you'll ever see in a can. Outside of those weird whole chicken-in-a-can and bread-in-a-can experiments. But we don't count crimes against God, so this is about as weird as it gets.

For starters, let's talk about the cans:

What moron decided to make these cans bigger on one end?

So, look at these stupid things. The top of the can is wider than the bottom. Now, at first, that seemed logical to me. "Well duh, it makes it easier to pack together in a tighter space!" Then I realized that a 'straight' can (uniform cylinder) would work the exact same way. I can think of no benefit from the funny can, other than to purposely add words to every food blog discussion this conundrum. The only other thing I thought was that knowing how the fish is canned (they literally punch holes int he fish with the can), maybe it facilitates better packing. But then again, I'm probably full of crap. Anyway, stupid cans.

But then we get inside the can:

Oooo boy. Oooooo, boy.

Look, I'll be honest. I often make this with canned tuna, since it's a little cheaper, still tastes amazing, and I always have some in the pantry. So I hadn't really paid attention to what, exactly, is in the can. Turns out, there's some skin and bones. But, these are completely edible. I'm not yanking your chain. You won't notice; the bones break up easily, and the skin is so thin that it mixes right in.

That being said, I still tried to pull out as much as I could. It really doesn't matter. But some people might not enjoy the experience. And those people are wusses. Get your fish out of the can, and into a medium-sized mixing bowl.

Delicious?

Move the salmon around to break it up, and then start chopping some veggies. You're going to want to chop up around 3 stalks of celery, so you end up with about a cup. I like smaller celery pieces, so I always run down the middle, lengthwise, then chop. Add it to your bowl! If you like more crunch and texture, add another stalk. This is a pretty forgivable recipe.

Green.

 Then grab your onion from the fridge. What's that, you didn't have it in the fridge? Fool! If the onion's cold, you have less of a chance to have terrible, terrible onion vapors. Which will make you cry. Then you'll touch your eyes with your onion-y hands, and it all goes downhill from there.

No, really. I have. Stop looking at me.

Do you remember our primer on how to cut an onion when we did those stuffed peppers? No? Pfft, you jerk. Okay. De-paper your onion, and cut off on end. Cut a grid into the onion, and be careful to not go all the way through. Then, rotate the onion, and chop on the other axis. Boom! Perfect onion dice.

Aww, memories.

 Then add that onion to the bowl.

Look at you! So good at what you can do!

 Now comes our cheese. I decided to buy this pre-shredded cheese, because I was lazy, it was on sale, and the bag itself told me it had the exact amount that I needed. THE SAME AMOUNT, GUYS!

Just doing my part for the environment, ladies. *eyebrow waggle*

 Add cheese (I should even have to tell you. Shame.).

There are very few things as satisfying as dumping a whole bag of cheese into something.

 Mix that all in, and then add your two egg yolks. This is part of your binder.

I don't know why I took a photo. You guys should know what eggs look like.

 Mix, and then add a pretty good glop of mayo. I also added a little Dijon mustard for some kick. You want it to be wet, but not sopping. Mix enough stuff into it so it becomes one mass that can be spread with some effort.

It'll look better. Trust me.

 Mix mix mix. I added some cayenne, salt, and pepper while I was at it. And chives.

I was wrong, I'm sorry.

 Looks good! Now we're going to prep our bread product. I chose bagels, because I find them easy to manage, and they're not as thick as french bread. But they are dense! Pick something you know you'll enjoy. Because we're making a lot of it. Start by laying out your bread on a baking sheet. Lining with foil is not a bad idea.

Bagels.

 Then you're going to smear some butter on there, and cover with garlic powder. Or just use garlic butter. Either is a suitable practice. I'm not judging.

Buttered/garlicked bagels.

 Now, let's start packing on the tasty mixture! Plop a good couple spoonfuls onto each bagel. You're going to want some thickness to it, so don't be stingy.

That's weird.

 Then smoosh it to the ends of the bagel, so they don't get too crispy. You want maximum coverage.

*smoosh* That's less weird.

 Once they're looking pretty, stand back and be amazed that you're almost through. If you wanted to add some more cheese, now could be a cool time. But I'm keeping it classy (I only bought one bag of cheese. Dammit.) and forgoing the extra cheese.

Not bad!

 Sock those things in the oven for about ten minutes. You want the mixture to bake, the cheese to melt, and the house to smell like one giant tuna salmon melt.

Hello, lovelies.

 Pull those suckers out, and you have a delicious meal! Congratulations! Dinner! Just be careful, because you will burn the everloving goodness out of your mouth if you attack this with a little too much gusto.

Legendary.

Some would call this a glorified tuna melt. And I don't necessarily disagree. But it's the perfect mixture of ingredients that just tastes like home to me. Some think that seafood and cheese should never mix, but those people are sad and alone, and have never experienced this form of heaven. My family still gets excited about this recipe, and you should, too. It's fast, easy, delectable, and malleable. You can change the ingredients (chopped garlic, shallots, peppers, etc.), the sauces used, and you're going to end up with a pretty tasty meal. You might even be able to make a small version as an hors d'oeuvres. Like a bagel bite or something, I don't know. You're on you're own, kid.

I recommend this with a cold beer and a side salad. It reheats pretty well, and frankly, I like eating it cold, too! It's a great meal, and I hope you love it as much as I do.

Enjoy! -AC

Family Sandwich

Based on a recipe from The Ancient Schneider Clan (Average Cook's Ancestors)

Serves 4-8 adults, and can be slathered on any delicious carb you can find.

• 4 bagels, halved (sub loaf french bread, sliced in half, or any bread product)
• 3+ stalks celery, chopped
• 1 onion, chopped.
• 2 15oz cans salmon
• 2 cups cheese, shredded
• 2 egg yolks
• Mayonnaise to bind
• Salt / Pepper / Cayenne to taste
• Butter
• Garlic powder

Preheat oven to 425F. Split bagels or other bread product, and cover with butter and garlic powder. Mix canned salmon, celery, onion, and cheese together. Add egg yolks, then enough mayo to bind. Mix thoroughly, and add salt/pepper/cayenne as needed. Evenly distribute mixture onto bagels, and bake for 10 minutes. Let sit for a few minutes before serving -- will be extremely hot! Optional additions include chives, Dijon mustard, and other seasonings. Optional substitution with canned tuna.