Pizza Soup

"Pizza makes me think that anything is possible."

-Henry Rollins

Pizza probably didn't need to be in soup form. Pizza, already a portable meal that covers every food group (and is a vegetable, remember?), didn't really need a change. But when it's winter, and you don't feel like dealing with dough, this might be an alternative.

Let's make a weird soup, eh?

I wish I had been inebriated when I thought of this one. But I wasn't. "PIZZA BUT IN SOUP FORM" was an independent thought that somehow got past my "don't say this out loud" filter. I like pizza in its purest form; it's not like I needed an alternative. But this idea randomly popped into my head, and I figured I'd go after it and see what happened.

Turns out, it's pretty good.

You could do some fancy things with this, like make pizza crust shot glasses or small, edible bowls. Or just chuck it into a bowl, like me, and top with everything you love. In my version, I made some croutons to fit the top, and then it's covered in cheese and hit with a blowtorch to brown it up.

A blowtorch, you say?

Yes, a blowtorch.

Now that you're actually wondering what's going on here, let's get down to brass tacks. This is a weird twist on french onion soup that's going to basically be the same thing, but with tomato soup. Yes, that makes it sound like it's stupid, but it's so much more! It has toppings! And spice! And cheese! It's lovely. For this aberration, you're going to need the following:

Quite the shopping list.

• 32oz of chicken stock
• Bread
• 8oz pepperoni
• 2-3 Italian sausages
• 1/2 an onion
• 8oz of mushrooms
• 1 tbsp Garlic (fresh or minced)
• 1 can tomato paste w/ Italian herbs
• 1 large can tomato puree
• Basil
• Parsley
• Cayenne
• Oregano
• Red pepper flakes
• Black pepper
• 4 slices bread
• Olive oil
• Parmesan cheese
• Any other spice you like in your pizza sauce (I usually do anchovy paste, and forgot it.)

Now that I've filled enough of your shopping list and screen with a bunch of crap you probably don't have, let's talk about processes. You're going to have to make croutons, make a soup, assemble, and torch. four different processes. I said this would be good, but I didn't say it was quick.

Preheat your oven to 400F. Throw your bread on a baking sheet, and drizzle with olive oil. Sock that thing in the oven for around 15 minutes, until the bread looks crunchy.

We probably don't need a photo, but I took one, so here you go!

You don't need to completely douse the bread in oil. It's just enough to get things going and crispy. Once you pull them out, they will look like this:

"Yup, looks like toast."

Then top with Parmesan cheese and freshly ground black pepper, and you're good to go on that front. Look at you, you're a quarter of the way there!

"Wow, thanks, AC!" No, thank you, for reading every single one of these dumb captions.

While this is all going on, you probably could have been starting the soup. And though I could have started off this whole section by mentioning that, I would hope that you're sitting there, picking your nose and reading this whole thing before actually attempting the recipe. If you're not, then hey, good luck! Sorry you're probably pissed right now.

To start the soup, we're going to cook up some pizza toppings. Start by chopping the pepperoni into small squares, and plop them into a stock pot.

This photo was a better idea when I took it, I think.

Once those are in there, start adding clumps of sausage. I buy mine in link-form, so I have to squeeze the end, and plop out little hunks of sausage. It looks gross, it is gross, and I don't like it. Just keep that in mind. I enjoy this part as much as you.

They call me... 'PORK HANDS'

Once these are chilling in your pot, crank the heat to medium, and start moving it around. What we're trying to do it coax enough oil out to fry the other toppings, like onion, garlic, and mushrooms. While this is all cooking down, it would be a fantastic idea to go ahead and chop up your veggies.

Look, Ma! Raw meat!

I'm going to give you guys a quick primer on cutting onions. For things like this, I try to get some slightly less-scraggly-than-usual-looking onion bits. So we're going to make a dice on this that would impress your mom. Not enough for her to love you again, but it's a good start.

First, I recommend keeping your onion in the fridge. It's going to help with the vapors and keeping yourself from crying. Unless you have an emotional attachment to the bulb, in which case, you're crying for a very different reason from the rest of us. Anyway. Cold onion, and a sharp knife. That's going to keep the vapors down.

Wrong 'vapors'.

You're going to want to unwrap the onion, but keep the end on it; that's what's going to keep the whole thing together. Once its paper has been removed, cut a grid pattern into the onion, with even distances between all of the lines. Make sure you don't cut all the way through! That will ruin the magic.

Yeah, close enough.

Then rotate your onion on the side, and chop. This will cause all of those little squares to become little dices of onion! I forgot to take a photo of my spoils. but you'll see what I mean. Cut up about half of the onion, or if you want more in the soup, keep it moving, and chop some more. Chop some mushrooms in a rough chop while you're at it, too.

Since your meat is probably browning and has released its delicious fats, pull it out, and place it in a bowl with some paper towels to drain. Leave the remaining fat in the pot.

Delicious(?).

Add your onion, garlic, and mushroom to the pot. Start cooking this down. As they cook, add your spices.

Cheapy spices are the best spices.

Chuck about a teaspoon each of crushed red pepper, parsley, and leaf oregano into the pot. Shake the cayenne a few times, too. The dry spices are going to soak up some of the spicy fat, and impart their own flavor to it. This is good. Stir it all in, so you get equal coverage.

Is it food, yet?

Once everything's looking a little cooked down, add your small can of tomato paste. I recommend the Italian herb flavor, just to give the sauce a little boost.

Red.

Cook this down a little to deepen and meld the flavors together. Then add a solid tablespoon of basil; fresh is great, but I used the pre-mashed stuff in the tube. I also added some more oregano, since I think it's pretty good in here. I just did a couple of shakes.

Red with green.

Once this is mixed in, you're going to take your large can of tomato puree, and slosh that bad boy into the pot. Mix everything in, and start simmering a bit.

More red.

So, I know what you're thinking. "Average Cook, you're basically making a marinara for idiots who can't follow a traditional recipe!" You're right. You're exactly right. We're trying to make all of the flavors of pizza sauce in a soup, so you get that pizza flavor. That makes sense. If you were to take this pot of tomato-stuff right now, and put it on a pizza crust, you'd probably have an okay sauce (except I forgot anchovies because I'm an idiot who can't follow his own damn recipe ideas). But we're going to make this a little soupier by adding a container of chicken stock, which will thin the sauce out to something more akin to a soup. Vegetable stock is cool, too, but I wanted something meatier.

More stuff!

At this point, you need to stir everything together, and take a good taste. What does it need? Oregano? Basil? Garlic? Salt? Garlic Powder? Dried rhino horn? Used dishwater? My soup needed most of these. If you can figure out which ones I didn't use, you're a fantastic listener! I had to add some more spices in there to get it to the point I liked.

If you wanted to blend your soup into something more homogeneous, this would be the moment to do it. I wanted a little more "chunk" in my soup, so I left it as is. If I were doing this again, I'd consider some more stock or water to thin it a little more, but at this point, we had a thick tomato soup. Tasty!

Boring red.

Let this simmer for about ten minutes. While this happens, stir frequently, since if it's thick enough, you'll get little geysers of hot tomato soup shooting up. I got hit by a few, and they feel like the surface of the sun. So watch out. Once you've simmered a bit, add your meat back in.

Red with meat.

Stir everything in, and now you have a tasty soup! If we wanted pizza-esque soup, we'd be done. But dammit, we're making full fledged all-American Average Cook Pizza Soup! So we need to get that soup in a bowl!

ALL-AMERICAN SHITTY PHOTOGRAPHY YEAAAAAH

Then, you're going to top it with one of your croutons you made a while back. If it doesn't fit the bowl, cut it to size, like me.

We are all failures, here, kid. Don't feel bad.

Then you're going to put the best part on top: cheese! I put a mix of mozzarella and Parmesan on there, to give me a good pizza mix. If you've got something different, have at you! French onion normally has Gruyere on there, but I only earn five figures in my middle management job, so I can't afford fancy-pants cheeses like some of you. So bag mozz it is!

Don't be stingy, you miser.

Now, here comes both the fun and terrifying part. You're going to use fire, like the well-equipped neanderthal you are, and brown up the top of this thing. Let me put this disclaimer, here: any damage done to you, your house, food, kitchen, or anything else is not my responsibility. If you don't have a blowtorch (or, hey, don't feel like setting yourself aflame), use your broiler, and just watch the things so they don't burn. But I like fire.

Don't. Please don't.

So, take your torch.

Still haven't blown myself up. SUCCESS

Then take the torch, and turn it on.

Easy does it...

Carefully lower the flame to the cheese, and...

Shit.

Start toasting that cheese! It's going to brown very quickly, so keep that torch moving. Practice a little, and see if you can get it to not char into a puddle of charcoal on your delicious soup.

Taking this photo nearly killed me.

Once it's to your liking, you're good to go! A delicious bowl of Average Cook's Pizza Soup!

Hey, that's not so bad! And I still have most of my hair!

This is going to be frighteningly hot when you first get into it. Because you had hot soup, then topped it with cheese and melted it, the thing is completely insulated. If you're not careful, you will burn your mouth so badly, we'll rename it Pompeii. Be careful.

If you want the easy way out, you could make the soup and eat it with a grilled cheese instead, but that takes away all of the fun (blowtorch). I made a few extra croutons for later, and stuck them in a bag. If they get soft, throw them in the oven again for a few minutes.

Delicious!

The soup definitely has the flavor profile of a great pizza sauce, and topping it with the crouton and cheese is delectable. It's pretty fun to eat, like a French onion soup, and definitely warms you up on a cold day. The great thing about this recipe is its versatility; you could add whatever ingredients you want to make your "pizza" happen -- peppers, olives, raw onion; they'll all work. Except pineapple. You're disgusting.

Enjoy! -AC

Pizza Soup

Recipe from Scott McDonald (Average Cook)

Serves 4 adults, unlike one large pizza.

• 8 oz pepperoni, chopped
• 32 oz chicken stock
• 4 slices bread
• 2-3 Italian sausages, in small chunks
• 1/2 large onion, diced
• 8oz of mushrooms, roughly chopped
• 1 tbsp Garlic (fresh or minced)
• 1 can tomato paste w/ Italian herbs
• 1 large can tomato puree
• 1 tbsp fresh basil
• 1 tsp dried parsley
• A few shakes of cayenne
• 1 tsp dried oregano
• 1 tsp crushed red pepper flakes
• Black pepper to taste
• Olive oil
• Parmesan cheese

Preheat oven to 400F. Drizzle olive oil on the slices of bread, and bake for around 15 minutes,until well toasted. Top with black pepper and Parmesan cheese once out of the oven. Place diced/chunked meats in a large pot, and cook on medium heat, until the meat is browned and the fat has rendered out. Remove meat to drain. Add garlic, onions, and mushrooms to fat in pot, and saute until translucent. Add parsley, oregano, cayenne, and red pepper flakes, and cook for another minute. Add can of tomato paste, and cook/stir for a minute. Add the large can of pureed tomato, and stir to combine. Add fresh basil, and stir. Add chicken stock, combine, and taste. Reseason, if necessary, with more basil, oregano, garlic, etc. Simmer soup for ten minutes. If soup is too thick, thin as needed with stock or water. If a less chunky soup is desired, puree with stick blender. Once soup has reached desired consistency, add meat back into the pot and combine. Pour into bowls and top with the large croutons. Cover with liberal amount of cheese, and use broiler or blowtorch to melt the cheese on top. Serve immediately -- will be piping hot!